dreams

(This is something I wrote a little a while ago, I thought I'd type it up and post it because otherwise I might post something depressing/scary. No one wants that.)


I've never been much of a planner but I do like to have very specific daydreams.
Daydreams about what my life would be like when I grew up, when I moved out, when I had some dreamboat boyfriend. Although, in the interests of credibility I had to construct a back story -- If I was married to Jesse Spencer, how had we met? Had we met in some hilarious situation, with a story to bore our friends with for years or had we bonded over our similar birthdays? This is how I've always been, I think of it as a visualisation thing, like athletes do, where if I imagine how my life could pan out and the choices I could make, I will manage to get them all.

The main problems with these daydreams is that they miss out the boring bits -- how on earth would I manage to actually meet Jesse Spencer in the first place? If I did meet him, would I actually be able to speak? How would he feel about the the age gap (10 years and 1 day). Likewise - when I imagined this perfect, grown-up me with a dream job, what was this dream job? I could conjure some very specific daydreams about how older, most fabulous me would spend her weekends and evenings, but I never managed to work out how she could afford all these breaks in European cities and road trips around America.
A little bit of a problem.

My life (and day dream world) has hit a rather troubling bump. I have the boyfriend(probably for a long long time) so no more daydreaming about Jesse Spencer. And now, most fabulous me just has enough money to move out of her childhood bedroom. The career daydreams have been rubbished by a complete lack of self-belief and by how monumentally difficult it is to work out what I want to do. If ever there was a time to be able to fast forward through life it would be now. Not forever, but just till I feel like a worthwhile human being again.