Mr Darcy Takes a Wife - a review

I found this book on Amazon when I was looking for Darcy Porn. I don’t mean literal Porn, but just a P&P sequel with a lot of Darcy. So I ordered it thinking it sounded suitably Darcyish and silly. The back describes it as “Sexy, epic, hilarious, poignant and romantic.” Unfortunately it's none of these things. 

There are three reasons why this book is appalling (almost as much of an abomination as the 2005 P&P): The bad writing, what she does to the characters and the disturbing sex and childbirth scenes.

I’ll start with the language as this was the first thing that annoyed me. It is the worst kind of Austen imitation: “The brevity of their stop was in probability ultimately a good thing.” It would be one thing to talk like that as a joke, but to write it down? No no no. “Ultimately” is far too modern and jars against the fake Austen language. Austen had a very specific style, it is elegant and every word has been carefully chosen. That sentence with this authentic Austen sentence from Pride and Prejudice:”During dinner, Mr Bennet scarcely spoke at all; but when the servants were withdrawn, he thought it time to have some conversation with his guest, and therefore started a subject in which he expected to shine, by observing that he seemed very fortunate in his patroness.” Austen’s sentence is very long but it isn’t jammed full of pointless fillers like the sentence MDTAW. Also, PUNCTUATION! Another annoying thing Linda Berdoll does is use the word “betwixt” constantly, often wrongly. It drives me mad! Betwixt must be a word only really used by poets to make the line work. It’s not just her bizarre (mis)use of words and that is so upsetting, Berdoll also makes up all these bizarre terms “womanly portal” being just one of many.

Secondly, I don’t like how she’s written the characters or what happens to them. She makes Mr Bingley have an affair, we hear about Darcy losing his virginity and getting some servant pregnant when he was a young man. Worst of all, Lizzy loses all that makes her such a well loved character. She just flops about being horny ALL THE TIME and that’s all that happens. It’s boring. It’s stupid. I can’t remember all the awful things she makes the characters do, but I hate it. 

Now we come to the horror of the childbirth and sex. My problem is not the sex. I am no prude. I don’t think they’d have had some kind of celibate marriage! People need to remember that there’s no sex in Austen because of the time she was writing. Austen is not making some point about sex before marriage but reflecting the society she lived in. A time when there was no contraception, people were more religious, more women died in childbirth than from anything else – sex was a dangerous business.  This is just beneath the surface of all Austen’s novels. The danger of men like Wickham or Willoughby is their power to seduce young women. Austen’s characters are definitely sexual people – take Marianne Dashwood in S&S, she is such a passionate and romantic person, I believe she would have had sex with Willoughby, if he had asked her.

So no, I don’t have a problem with there being sex in this book. Of course Elizabeth and Darcy would have had sex. Theirs is not some strange asexual love that would have no physical expression! They are a happy newly-wed couple! But the sex in this book so badly written and cringeworthy. I am not going to copy out graphic bits, but here is a taster: “Either in lack of taking notice, or of caring, she knew not which, he made no indication he was aware she was eyeing his privates. She was happy for him to overlook such shamelessness and nestled impenitently against him.” AHHH I literally recoiled with horror from this book! And that's fairly tame by this book's standards. On the back it claims that fans will want to curl up and read it. It made my toes curl with embarrassment, does that count? 

The most disturbing bit in the whole book is when Lizzy is in labour. I have a history of being distressed by childbirth in books - reading A Gathering Light was probably what started the mild tokophobia I developed in my late teens. In MRTAW there is so much Childbirth horror (made worse by the fact the baby dies). I shall share with you a few choice quotes:

‘With the baby imbedded in the birth canal, refusing to turn and unable to come out, the hours of the night stole even indomitable Elizabeth’s strength.’

‘“Mr Darcy, you must know this. Elizabeth does not want you with her for fear it will excite your apprehension. She knows you are outside the door. She has stifled her cries in defence of your disorder. It is what she wants, but it is not good. She must get the baby out and she cannot push hard enough unless she wails.”’

‘Jane followed him into her room and lifted the lifeless baby from him. Hannah changed the bloody linens beneath Elizabeth and brought a basin of water. Jane returned, intending to cleanse her sister. Darcy motioned both Hannah and Jane aside, and with tender strokes, sponged the blood from her himself.’

Do you feel sick?

Why would you take your favourite book and your favourite character and do that to her!

So there you are. Badly written, disturbing and just plain dreadful.

I love Jane Austen

There are things that I like. There are things that I love. Then there are things that I love so much, and know so well, that they are part of me. It's like the difference between being obsessed with a band, having their posters on your wall etc., and being in love with a real life person. There's no need for posters to prove your dedication. They are too much a part of you for you to need to talk about it all the time. This is how I feel about Jane Austen. I don't feel the need to go on about it all the time (haha unless you know me in real life) because it doesn't need to be said. 

I was six in 1995 when a world shattering event happened: Pride and Prejudice starring Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle was on tv. I was completely obsessed. I still remember the exact days it was on – Sunday nights and then repeated on Wednesdays – and my dad recorded it off the telly for me. For years I had that same home-recorded tape and I would devote whole Saturdays to watching it while wearing the most regency clothing I had, an old peach-coloured nightie.

After that I watched every costume drama I could get my hands on. Luckily, my Austen awakening coincided with the Austen fever that started as soon as Colin Firth jumped into that pond. A film of Sense and Sensibility was made along with two versions of Emma and I got all the old BBC adaptations from the library on video. These films and tv adaptations are so familiar to me now that I feel like they belong to me. When they show clips of P&P on tv I feel oddly violated, like someone is showing old home movies of me.

Jane Austen’s words and stories were the background to my childhood. Because of her I am a hopeless romantic, can’t bear people who care too much about money, don’t find it creepy when cousins marry, and really couldn’t marry someone who didn’t “glow” at me*.

I finally read Pride & Prejudice when I was about 12. I started it with a little trepidation, worried that I would find it hard to understand or that the adaption I loved so much was all wrong. Of course I loved it and found it easy to read and wonderful.

Since then I have read all of the main books, visited houses Jane Austen lived in, watched more adaptations and studied Austen at university. I love her.

“The person, be they gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in an Austen novel, must be intolerably stupid”

* This is glowing I melt when I see that look on his face... *sigh*

Advent with Austen

I’ve decided to take part in Advent with Austen. Basically, the idea is to read and watch as much Austen related stuff as possible and blog about it.

So here are my plans for Advent with Austen:

1. Re-read Sense and Sensibility – I’m re-reading sense and sensibility because its 200 years since it was published (MAD) and because this is what Laura has told me to do.

2. Re-read Northanger Abbey and Mansfield Park – I’ve read the other four books much more than these two so this is the perfect excuse to read them again. (I may read some more... I LOVE Austen an impossible amount, definitely more than you do)

3. Read the book of Jane Austen’s letters that I have had for a long time but not read yet.

4. Write a review of Mr Darcy Takes a Wife – the mad P&P sequel I bought a couple of years ago

5. Write a review of The Jane Austen Guide to Dating

6. Watch Pride and Prejudice (1995), Sense and Sensibility (1998 AND 2008), and Emma (1996)

I’ll probably write some rambling posts comparing adaptations, comparing adaptations to books, comparing different actors playing Darcy, Brandon etc. I could ramble about Austen for the rest of my life. I may even write something about the whole "Austen was poisoned!" thing. 

Tomorrow I will witter about my love for Austen and where it came from. I bet you can’t wait!