Friday, 20 May 2011

The Orange Book - Part One: The Summer

(you can read previous diary entries here and here)

for orange blog

NAME: Frances Emily Elizabeth Scott [Elizabeth isn’t really my middle name I just felt it should be]
AGE: 12 years 5 months and 8 days (when started this book)
TELEPHONE: (mob) 0775 2130710 
CRUSH: X (age: 12 years + nine months (approx))
Sexy, Gorgeous, Funny, Kind, Sweet
Draw you:    

MY FAVE SONG AT THE MO: Take me home – Sophie Ellis-Bextor

Sat 21nd July
9? (French time)
8? (English time)

In dingy carpark well, actually it’s quite nice. At 6.30 (ENGLISH TIME) this morning we were on the road and we still are. NO IDEA where we are. M[um]+D[ad]+G[ranny]+S[am] are in a cafe. I am in the car with a sleeping bébé (ie. Robbie!) I went into the café and my mother (!) told me I looked awful. HUH. I’m tired.

Still on the road, though now we have stopped at an INTERMARCHE. On the motorway thre are loads of signs saying “SEXE EN DIRECT” roughly translated (I think) means DIRECT SEX! There are also lots of pictures of women with no much on. Ugly garçons are getting into the next car. They’ve gone.

It feels like England – grey sky, fields and trees (WHERE IS THE DIFFERENCE?) I wanna go to the Dordogne – that’s where Monique and Felix live and apparently it’s VERRRY HOTTT.


I wanna be at the villa in the sun reading a book, getting a tan and going to the sea. Cause girls jus’ wanna have fun! That’s all they reallllly waaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnt

Another car park
I wonder what MSG (my sex god [not monosodium glutamate]) is doing.
Gross! A garcon just got out of a car and peed. UGH!

OOH! Tasty garcon. There were loads of tasty garcons on the boat, one especially tasty BLONDE boy...

They came back eventually! We’re in the cottage now.  The people who own the cottage are sweet but have no taste in decor.
Mon 23rd July
On the beach weather FAB.
Strange French people are looking at me. Now they’re laughing (probably at me). I am just going to lie down and close my eyes.
Muchos tasty Garcons!

We’re in the car. When we get back I will:
1.       De-sand myself
2.       Use after-sun lotion liberally
3.       Have a drink
4.       Eat some chocolate
5.       Make mum play tennis

We’re at Leclerc. I think a garcon in the throes of adolescence has fallen in love with me (or just looked at me. Whatever)
There are 3 English cars as well as ours. Two women are chatting in a foreign language.. or Geordie.

Wed 25th July
Me and Mum and Granny went to Bergiwhatsit and ate crepes. Saw nice things. I bought a ring.
Yesterday Mum and Dad taught me how to play German whist. I beat them all the time.
Saw French scouts yesterday. I tried to look extra gorge with my shades. All fell in love with me (I wish!)
Why are English boys so boring to look at? (except from MSG, of course)
Thurs 26th July
Travelling around France in dark glasses and lip gloss and I keep singing – “I’m in the mood for dancing romancing ooooh I’m giving it all tonight..” and I keep seeing bloody gorgeous garcons!
Garcons keep falling in love with me (or my basooomas).
I’ve killed 27 flies.They are manky things, flies.

Played tennis.

Today when we were out I saw a quicksilver bag that I wanted but Mum wants to make sure it’s not a rip off.

Friday 27th July
My hair’s gone totally mad, I look like Miss Sheldon! [insane and probably alcoholic science teacher]
Must go – I’m wanted by THEM.

Tomorrow the people in the next cottage are going. I wonder who we’ll get instead. Would be cool if some like JFS or X came. Downstairs they are talking about fifteen year old boys coming!

If I edited this a bit and made it funnier I could sell it.

We just left beach De Sun-kissed half-naked garcons.
Sunday 29th July
Yesterday Sam fell over twice and nearly got run over by La Poste van.
A day of disappointments really. [I didn’t mean I wanted him dead!]
The new people have come to stay next door. A girl of about 13 and an odd boy of 17.

Tuesday 31st July
May I correct a previous comment, David (boy from next door) is not 17 but must be in his 20s because he has TWO DEGREES!! Girl from next door, Katherine, hasn't spoken to me much, just hello and hi and such like. 

Yesterday I bought necklaces for fab peeps. Life is fabaty fab!

Mum told me that Andrew [her cousin who was lovely but he was an alcoholic and had a very sad life] was hounded out of his house because people thought we was a paedophile. They threw petrol bombs and stuff. Auntie B (his mother) and a friend went to collect him and Auntie B got so angry that she hit one of the crowd with her walking stick! and they all fell over like dominos! 

I have dairy milk withdrawal. 

1st  Aout
The woman who mascarades as my mother wants to get my basoomas measured! ARGH
Sam drew a picture of himself covered in blood :S!
6th August
In Sheffield. 
I am about 1 1/4 stones too heavy. oh my god oh my god oh my god  oh my god  OH MY GOD
It's probably my basoomas. 
Christ Almighty. I wonder how much they weigh. ...

I remember in primary school we were doing this data thing where we had to collect data and make it into graphs. Some boys chose to do people's weight. Me and Laura BOTH lied and said we weighed a stone less than we did. [we were 11 yrs old]

I saw this thing about this Alpha course that makes you a Christian. (Why would you want to be one?) This vicar said that until you believe, there is a hole inside you. I believe it sort of - he means because god is real etc. But I think we need to have some kind of belief in something better than us. But who knows?

But I do not feel empty. I feel happy, no matter how I go on.

Tuesday 7th August
Watching Clear and Present Danger starring Harrison Ford. 
The question is, is he the sexiest [unfortunately misspelled as "sexist" lol] man on earth?


Film looks crap. 

My Dreams:
1. Become a designer
2. Have a nice flat
3. Have a gorgeous boyf
4. Have a lovely wedding
5. Have nice kids
6. Be happy

Become a writer
Become an actress
Become a prostitute (not really!)
8th August
I just did this fortune telling thing and this is my future:

I will marry X, have two children and we will be happy. I will not have loads of money. I will be a fashion designer. I will be a writer. I will be famous. I will not get divorced. 
Oh, will I get a breast reduction? YES!

12th August
BOILED in the car on the way home.

Pretend diary entries:

13th August

Me and X had a milkshake in the cyber cafe! We talked about silly stuff. It was soooooooo goood

14th August

X phoned and wants to see me tomorrow! 
We had a really long conversation. He is the best boyfriend EVER.

Back to reality:

Tuesday (?)
I stayed up until quarter to five this morning! 
I read all of Girls in Love. It is embarrassing in places where Russell keeps saying "Oh Ellie!" and snogging her senseless!
I just read about bit of Girls in Love where Dan says his body is going "berserk" And how embarrassing it is. I was nearly sick laughing!

I wish I had contact with boys [if only to laugh at their berserk bodies?] even dopey ones like Dan. I would dump X if he kept saying "Oh Frances" but I wouldn't mind being snogged senseless. [I still would be creeped out by a guy going "oh Frances"]
26th August 
Dad hates me. All he cares about is his castle course. Mum said "what shall we do tomorrow?" and Dad said "Frances wants to see her bed." So tomorrow we are going to a manor and maybe Cotswold Wildlife park.
Dad has arguements with me for no reason, I can't even make a comment without having my head bitten off. 
And I want him to like me. All they care about are their stupid backs and necks. [I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS. Maybe they were moaning about back/neck ache]
30th August
Just watched this week only. V.Funny. MUST LEARN SLANG!
New Words:
Tickin' - Goodlooking, fit
Blingin' - If you have a big bracelet or something it's blingin'
Hectic - the new cool

Other night I managed to get invited to X's house and kissed him! (in my dream anyway! )

Kinda looking forward to going back to school! Sleepover tomorrow! Just Issi and Frances though cos Jenny's in Greece and Laura's vanished. 

I really want to see X again. Next time I do I'll smile at him and I'm going to do that play this year so I can see if he does it. Ever if he doesn't it'll be fun and at our school. 

As of now I promise to try and be more normal and take every opportunity to see X. 
Frances Scott, owner of this diary. 

I wonder if X is a communist? (!!!!) I don't care as long as, if we ever go out, he doesn't take me to a slum! [this is because of a book I had read, I hadn't completely flipped].
I love him! But he doesn't notice me. 
Next time I see him I WILL be a noraml human being. I will NOT giggle with Issi and run off. I will laugh like a normal person and walk sexily and look sex goddesssy. 
ANYWAY there's always sixth form. 

I wonder what X is doing. Sleeping in a sexy way probably. 

11.55 am
Stayed up until 6 this morning. Talked about boys and such. 
But Frances said me and X are well suited because I'm calm and he's funny and loud and stuff. 
Frances said that when she went round to E's house [she lives next door to X] X was jumping on a trampoline to look at them over the fence AND E has been in X's bedroom! UNFAIR.
5th Sept
When I marry Prince Harry (this is my Plan B) I will make him renounce any claim to the throne because I will have persuaded him that monarchy is wrong. 
I want to be dignified at all times, have a great sense of style, be liked but most of all, be remembered. 
Monarchy is wrong, but I don't hate the people- they can't help who they are but it is wrong to think that because they were born into the royal family they have the right to rule over us. 

That's how many people Mary Ann Cotton killed - 3 husbands, 1 friend, her mother, 1 lover and at least 12 kids! 
Jack the Ripper only killed 8.


No comments:

Post a Comment